i’m down today. chronic pain makes you weary and chronic pain that has been around for 10+ years makes you feel at times like it will never end. I hope that it does. Emotionally, I need it to. because on days like today, i either want to quit or cry.
I so desperately want to run again. i want to be healthy. i want there to be a day that i do not need prescription pain meds to simply endure the day at a tolerable level. but i quite possibly have another stress fracture (or just severe tendinitis) in my left foot again. part of me just wants to get a wheelchair and say fuck it, i’m done fighting. i’m broken and that’s just how it is.
i want to do the same with friends. to put myself out there openly and say if you can’t handle the fact that I’m an atheist and i’m happy as one, then fuck off and stop pretending to be my friend. but i kind of like being liked. so i hide parts of me thinking that makes me more appealing to others. or i say i’m still questioning and unsure.
work is making cuts over the next few months. i’m scared that as the new girl i could lose my job. i think they would cut my coworker who is close to retirement before me (they announced they will be offering early retirement buy out options to some folks). i’ve had so many jobs over the past four years that it’d be nice to have some continuity moving forward and i really like my job here.
life just seems like on big struggle today. maybe i just need more sleep or need to give my body a chance to rest. maybe i’m just overwhelmed because so much has changed in the last year or so and i love routine.
maybe i need a shift in perspective. things aren’t bad. we struggle financially but have a place to stay and cars to drive and food to eat. i have family drama in the extended family but i love my happy little family of my hubby and dogs.
its easy to see there is a lot of good. but today i’m just sad for all that i wish i could change. maybe later today i’ll try for a perspective shift. but for now i’m okay with sadness.
i used to run from it. only happy. only smiles. but there’s rest that can be found in the valleys of life too and for now i’ll just let that be my experience.